September 2024
I recently drove back to Texas after a summer in Michigan. 21 hours in the car total, lots of podcasts, around 4 hours of driving meditation, and a Buc-ee’s brisket sandwich. I went through an interesting mix of emotions, among which was excitement and fear — very similar to how I felt two years ago when I first moved to Austin. Somehow, I felt like I was moving somewhere new. And after a couple hours I finally understood why: I didn’t just FEEL like I was moving somewhere new, I WAS moving somewhere new.
We discover the world we expect to find. Old Austin was a reflection of my habits, perspectives, and relationships at the time. And as they’ve changed, (and boy did they change over the summer) so does what I find in the city. New Austin will be whatever I want it to be, only limited by any cookie-cutter expectation of what it “should” be.
Who we are changes what we yearn for, who we relate to, and what we find. But who we are is always changing. Our identities — who we think or say we are — are but kinks in the flow of our existence in the world. Seductive handholds with the promise of a stable place from which to watch the movie of life. But the truth is, we ARE the movie, and our relationship to the world directly affects the light projected on the screen. And pretending we are somehow separate from it is a wild goose chase for the “I” that’s watching the movie, and a Sisyphean struggle against constant, unrelenting change.
Never thought I’d be quoting the Bible, but in an interesting turn of events, I find myself thinking a lot about Matthew 7:7-11:
I tell you: ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and everyone who seeks, finds;
Our models of the world shape the puzzle pieces our experience will admit, and now I guess it’s up to me to choose this model wisely.
Adapted from a letter to Alison